I don’t know how to start this blog. It shames me in the deepest part of my heart to talk about this but I can’t let this moment pass and not talk about something that has affected my spiritual life since I was in my teens. What can I say sometimes we get ourselves in a pickle or the enemy uses anyone or anything to bring you down from where you at.
Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
Stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”
Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave
My life has always been entwined with the church I was raised there and I can’t find myself nowhere else. My love for God can’t be taken from me, I love worshiping him, praying to him and spreading his word through actions, words or testimony. Since I was a child the Lord had spoken that he had separated me since in my mother’s womb. He called me as a prophet and youth leader since an early age; however insecurity and friendships in youth took me through a path that I should have never known or had gone through. What I’m going to talk about it’s a sequence of things that happened for one single reason.
I was Raped.
Many people use this phrase for popularity or for compassion; I use this phrase because it happened to me and I want to let anyone know that there is a God that redeems and Loves with undying grace. I was about 7 or 8 when a family member came to visit our grandmother; during one of the times she wasn’t home and my brothers where at a neighbor’s house playing soccer; he raped me. I never in my life have I felt such shame and hatred towards someone. I never told no one; not even my grandmother who was my guardian during that time. I was brought to the United States as a young child I was about 9 almost 10 . During the first three years of my move here; everything was good I felt safe; but I still had the trauma and nightmares. I wasn’t able to let anyone hold me down because I would react in a murderous rage. I started touching myself at night as a way to prove to myself that I was still pure that he hadn’t taken one of the most important thing. It was a battle that I would continue for years.
Enter high school years; by the 3rd year I was deep in depression. A friend of mine got me hooked to the erotica genre. But by then I had already seen and done things better left to not have done or seen at all. I had watched porn, I had masturbated and all of this things happened for feeling like I wasn’t worthy after what happened in my childhood. My nightmares had receded; I was going to church and was active but I was lying to myself. I masturbated at night because it brought me pleasure and a feeling or being secure and powerful of my own body. But at the end I felt shame for having done that. We know what the bible says about sexual immorality;
1. Corinthians 6:18
18.”Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body”
There were moments that I felt as the liar in the world. Sometimes the holy spirit would touch me and I would start speaking in tongues and stuff but I felt as if i was doing the greatest sin because I still was going through this purpose and it has been put in our heads that we need to be perfect; so I started to subject the holy spirit. I would not give him the freedom to move in my life; and that was the worst thing I could have done because at the end I was crippling my healing.
19.”Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;20.you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”
“In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.”